“We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It's just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy. (10)”

― Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart: Heartfelt Advice for Hard Times

A friend posted this on facebook this week and it inspired me to come back to this page. I realize now that HAVING cancer is so much easier than what the people that love you feel and have to go through. In my pre-cancer life I was so afraid of cancer. I was so afraid I MIGHT GET CANCER. Once I was diagnosed, that fear went away. I don't know how to explain that, but my friends in the chemo room were the same way. We all joked and went about life with a whole new appreciation. I am a year and a half past my last treatment, at my "new normal" as my doctors always say. The cancer is gone and the doctors do not expect it to come back. But I don't think about that..........only today.

Worse than "having" cancer, to me, has been watching my brother and his family go through his debilitating stroke; losing a very close friend, I guess to her not being able to process the fact that I have cancer; losing contact with my mother because of all the stress she has had with two of her children being seriously ill.

But, then, I saw this quote. It just makes so much sense to me and it has brought me so much calm.

It is, always will be, and only can be One Day at a Time.

And the only thing any of us can really do for each other is to love each other.

Whoops

I got up from the table Sunday morning and stood up and couldn't feel my left foot at all. I lost my balance and couldn't get it back, so I fell, twisted my ankle and crumpled to the floor. I was in alot of pain and could not get up. (Sound familiar??) One of the side effects of the cisplatin (one of the three chemo drugs I was administered) is neuropathy, which is tingling and numbess of the feet and hands. I had noticed it in my fingers and only a little in my feet. I really have to be very careful whenever I get up and make sure there is no numbness in my feet! Peter eventually got me to the emergency room; it took him awhile to coax me up from the floor because the pain was so bad. They x-rayed my foot and found two avulsion fractures, where the ligament pulled a piece of bone off of the joint. One on the ankle and one on the fibula. They put me in a cast and told me to keep my leg raised until Wednesday, when I would see a podiatrist.

I saw the podiatrist today; he did not think the ligaments were torn. He took the cast off and told me to use an ankle stirrup with good shoes for the next six weeks. I feel so lucky; I didn't know what was going to happen with the cancer treatment if I had to have foot surgery!!

Meanwhile, I went to Dr. Chen's office on Tuesday for the radiation simulation. They made my plastic mask for me, which consists of putting melted plastic on my face and letting it dry for 25 minutes. I kept my eyes closed and just kept on breathing! They also showed me The Radiator; this room was this first to be built when the building was constructed. It is surrounded by seven foot walls. I will be going to The Radiator every day for seven weeks, fully equipped with my own custom-made mask.

Unless the doctors are worried about the effects of chemo and radiation in regards to the healing of my foot, radiation is scheduled to start around December 5.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Once again, I am so excited to hear from all of you. Champy, I just love the notes you send with the quotes.

P.S. The pictures of the mask are not mine; I stole them from Google.

Bye Bye Ahnold!

I went to my ENT doctor Thursday and he could no longer see the tumor! He said where there used to be a raised mass it is now a depression and that is is now pink instead of red.

I will still have to do the radiation, though; too much of a chance that there are cells still there that we can't see.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving! I know I am so looking forward to seeing my family!

Round Three (and LAST) of chemo

After I finished with Round Two of Eradicating the Tumor, I went to see Dr. Scholl (my ENT doctor) and he put a scope down my throat to look at what was left of the tumor. He was ecstatic and estimated that the tumor was shrunk by at least 60%! This was very good news, because that meant I only had one more round of chemo to go instead of two!

I started my third round of chemo on Halloween and took Ahnold the Chemo Pump home with me for the final time. The second round of chemo went relatively well, so we all thought we had everything tweaked just right for the third round. Unfortunately, the third round made me very sick and I am still trying to regain my strength. I did not end up in the hospital, but looking back I wonder if maybe I should have gone; the doctor was surprised that I did not. My white blood count got very low again and the rest of my blood counts didn't fare well, either. I became anemic, but the counts stayed just high enough that I didn't have to have a blood transfusion.

I am now ordered to gain 10 pounds and rest and get stronger before radiation starts. I will meet with Dr. Chen (who will do the radiation) on Tuesday, when they will fit me for my "mask" and walk me through the simulation. The mask will keep my head completely still so that the radiation only goes where it is supposed to go and I assume the simulation will be for me to experience what it will be like. I will go to Dr. Netaji, Tumor Warrior, once a week for chemo and I will have radiation every day for seven weeks.

I am overwhelmed by all of this right now, I think because I felt so poorly this last round. But like the nurses keep telling me: this is only for a few months so that you can live and long life without cancer when we are done!

Right now, I am looking forward to the whole family being home for Thanksgiving and having a wonderful feast (remember, I need to gain 10 pounds......). And I am looking forward to the Aggies beating the hell out of tu one last time!

Gig 'Em!!!!

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving, and if any of you are in the Bastrop area, please stop by to see us!

Oh, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate the kind notes and cards you have been sending me! Nothing makes me feel better than hearing from everyone! I might not always be up to talking, but I am ALWAYS happy to hear from everyone!

American Cancer Society

I never knew just how much support the American Cancer Society gives to cancer patients and their caregivers.

I went to their support center in Austin and met with a wonderful woman who fitted me for a wig. FOR FREE. I was also given head warmers and a little cushion to attach to my seatbelt so that the area where my port is won't get sore when I am driving. All these things (except the wig, of course) made by volunteers and donated!

The wigs are all brand new and not used.

I like mine!

Cold Head

Well, with the first cold fronts finally arriving, I've decided that scarves are just not keeping my head warm. So, I have an appointment Friday with the American Cancer Society to pick out a free wig. I decided to look up a few on the internet to get an idea. Yall want to help me pick out a style???

I would like to request that everyone refrain from re-posting my posts on this site. It is not always easy for me to post personal things like this; that is why I made this a private blog. If there is anyone who would like to be invited to the blog, they are welcome to ask and I will send them an invitation. I don't mean to sound harsh; I just ask that everyone understand my need for privacy.